In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He

took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to

in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the

unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the ax of the apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is

bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the

battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand

still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a

race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one

to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was, by profession, a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name

for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

Then there's the story about the mother who gave her daughter 2

nickels, one for the Sunday school offering & one for an ice cream on the

way home from church (this was in "the OLD days"!).

She walked along jingling the coins in her hand. One fell out & rolled

down the sewer drain. The little girl said, "oops! There goes the

church's nickel!"

Denominations...

During a recent Ecumenical gathering, someone rushed in shouting, "The building is on

fire!"

The Methodists gathered in the corner and prayed.

The Church of the Brethern held a congregational meeting.

The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?"

The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.

The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring that fire was evil.

The Salvation Army served coffee and donuts.

The Roman Catholics passed a collection plate to cover the damage.

The Jews posted symbols on the doors hoping the fire would passover.

The UCC shouted, "Every gender for oneself!"

The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It is the vengeance of God."

The Christian Scientists agreed among themselves that there was no fire.

The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.

The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee who were

to "Look into the matter" and make a written report to the

session.

And the Church Secretaries got together, put out the fire, and went back to

work!

Bulletin Bloopers

1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items tobe recycled. Proceeds

will be used to cripple children.

2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make callson people who are not

afflicted with any church.

3) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10.All ladies are invited to

lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S.is done.

4) Evening massage - 6 p.m.

5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of thecongregation would lend him their

electric girdles for the pancakebreakfast next Sunday morning.

6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of therecession.

7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use

the back door.

8) Ushers will eat latecomers.

9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung withoutmusical accomplishment.

10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we havea nursery

downstairs.

11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight ofthe audience.

12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break

Forth Into Joy."

13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rareprivilege of hearing a good

sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will

then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until

further notice.

16) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

The Computing Pastor

The new pastor in town got a computer and was using the new liturgical

software. The first week he had a funeral service for Mary Brown and

so when he had to do a funeral service for Edna Cunningham the second

week all he had to do was to substitute Edna for Mary and Cunning ham

for Brown. It cut his preparations in half. Everything went well until he

read "...He was conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit and born of

the Virgin Edna...".

The Stewardship Song

Joyful, joyful we ignore Thee, God we're busy, God we're tired.

We have fishing, we have bowling, visit friends, in hobbies mired.

TV football, earn a living, raise the kids and mow the lawn.

When it comes to Sunday morning, all our energy is gone.

We speak at the local school board, when our taxes are misued.

At the Lions' lunch we read minutes, when the clerk has been excused.

At the game we hand out programs, in the shower we love to sing.

When it comes to Sunday morning, we cant't seen to do a thing.

The Minister and the Doorbell

Walking down the street, a minister passes a house and notices a child

trying to reach the doorbell. No matter how much the little guy stretches,

he can't make it. The minister calls out, "Let me get that for you," and

he bounds onto the porch to ring the bell. "Thanks, mister," says the kid.

"Now let's run."

YOUNG WOMAN HINTING ON A SLEIGH RIDE: "Nobody loves

me and my hands are cold." OBTUSE YOUNG MAN: "Oh that's all

right. God loves you and your mother loves you -- and you can sit on

your hands."

"You don't believe in hell?" "No." "Then where has the business gone?"

Why do Jehovah's Witnesses never get injured in earthquakes?

Because they're always standing in doorways.

Not long after that, the funeral for Grace Anderson was followed by the

funeral for Frank Smith. The congregation was not familiar with the

hymn, "Amazing Frank, How Sweet The Sound."

Strange State Laws...

Minnesota:

--It is illegal to tease skunks.

--Every man in Brainerd is required by law to grow a beard.

Michigan:

--A state law stipulates that a woman's hair legally belongs to her

husband.

--Under state law, dentists are officially classified as "mechanics."

--In Clawson, it is legal for a man to "sleep with his pigs, cows, horses,

goats, and chickens."

New York:

--In Saten Island, it is illegal for a father to call his son a faggot or

queer in an effort to curb girlie behavior.

--In NYC, "it is disorderly conduct for one man to greet another on the

street by placing the end of his thumb against the tip of his nose and

wiggling the extended fingers of that hand."

North Carolina:

--It is illegal to have sex in a Churchyard.

--It is illegal to make love on the floor of a hotel room between two

double

beds.

Oklahoma:

--Whale hunting is strictly forbidden.

--People who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.

Ohio:

--In Columbus, it is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday.

--In Oxford, it is illegal for a woman to disrobe in front of a man's

picture.

--In Youngstown, it is illegal to run out of gas.

Oregon:

--The town of Hood River prohibits the act of juggling without a license.

Montana:

--In Whitehall, it is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached

to the wheels.

--It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.

Nebraska:

--If a child burps during a church service in Omaha, his or her parents

may

be arrested.

--It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state

license.

Florida:

--Unmarried women who parachute on Sundays will be jailed.

Georgia:

--In Quitman, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.

--In Columbus, it is illegal to sit on one's porch in an indecent

position.

Pennsylvania:

--"Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull

well

off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the

countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the

motorist must take his car apart piece by piece, and hide it under the

nearest bushes."

Rhode Island:

--Its illegal to throw pickle juice on a trolley.

Tennessee:

--It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.

--In Dyersburg, it is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.

--In Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; "a man must

walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to

warn

approaching pedestrians and motorists."

Texas:

--The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned because it contains a

formula

for making beer at home.

--It is illegal to milk another person's cow.

Utah:

--A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife in

his presence.

Virginia:

--In Richmond, it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to

determine who buys a cup of coffee.

--In Lebanon, it is illegal to kick your wife out of bed.

Vermont:

--It is illegal to deny the existence of God.

--It is illegal to whistle underwater.

--Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false

teeth.

Arkansas:

--A man can legally beat his wife, but no more than once a month.

California:

--In L.A., a man may legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as long

as

it is less than 2 inches wide, or she gives him permission to use a

wider

strap.

--It is a misdemeanor to shoot any kind of game from a moving vehicle,

unless the target is a whale.

Massachusetts:

--It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license.

--North Andover prohibits its citizens from carrying "space guns."

--In 1659, the state outlawed Christmas.

Indiana:

--Monkey's are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend.

Illinois:

--In Chicago, it is illegal to take a french poodle to the Opera.

--According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially

recognized language is "American."

--In Joliet, it is illegal to mispronounce the name Joliet

Kentucky Vasectomy

After having their 10th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough. So the

husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any

more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that

could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry

bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Kentuckian

said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry

bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me." So the couple drove to Ohio to get

a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a

vasectomy when he noticed they were from Kentucky. This doctor also told the man to

go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to

10. Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry

bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count,"1, 2, 3, 4,

5..." at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting

on his other hand.

Things to Ponder:

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery

If you can't convince them, confuse them

Death is hereditary

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out

Multitasking - screwing up several things at once

Dyslexics of the world - untie!

Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon!

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film

There's no future in time travel

Tonight's weather - dark with continued darkness until dawn

Boycott shampoo - Demand the REAL poo!

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Smith & Wesson - the original point and click interface

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives

Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?

How does Teflon stick to the pan?

Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand

There's an exception to every rule, except this one

I was going to procrastinate, but I put it off

Polynesia - memory loss in parrots

Oh Lord give me patience, and give it to me NOW!

A good pun is it's own reword

I used to be indecisive - now I'm not sure

I'm writing a book - I've got the page numbers done

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

To err is human, to moo bovine

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain

From the Home Office in Jerusalem, here's tonight's Top Ten List:

"THE TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NOT IN THE PRESENCE

OF THE LORD."

#10--You find yourself invoking the name of God mainly when slamming into

things.

#9--When the congregation sings "How Great Thou Art," you wonder if

they're singing about you.

#8--You're on vacation and your kid says, "Hey, it's Sunday. Aren't we

going to church?"--and you say, "No! We're on vacation, for God's sake!"

#7--Your mouth is full when someone says, "Let's pause and return thanks."

#6--Your school day no longer begins with a Bible reading.

#5--You're at a Marilyn Manson concert.

#4--Moses gives you HIS Top Ten List, but you don't realize that he meant

COMMANDMENTS.

#3--You say "The devil made me do it," and you're right.

#2--You think everything you need to know you already learned in Sunday

School.

#1--Your friend asks if you will join him in seeking the Holy One on a

Sunday morning--and you show up with golf clubs: to seek the Hole-in-One.

The Salesman and the Pastor:

Two men with the same name lived near each other in the same town.

One was a pastor, the other a salesman. One day, the salesman left on a

trip to Florida, and the pastor died on the same day. When the salesman

arrived in Florida, he sent a telegram to his wife to let her know he had

arrived safely. By mistake, the telegram was delivered to the pastor's

wife.

The telegram said "Arrived safely. Heat here is awful."